Stupid

you know what piss me off the most is when you talking to someone they making you feel  like you stupid like you don't know what you talking about. I being in this relationship for almost 11 years and all he does is cheat and lie. sometime I think God is punish me but day by day I think he teach me a lesson through this journey I'm going through. some time I fee lost and a long, I feel like I don't have no where to run too. I will never wish anybody get to the position i'm in today before it could make you go crazy, for several time I try to kill myself, I fall from depression because of amen even though we still living in the same house now I try to be strong for my kids into I finish school but it's not a healthy situation because waking ever morning wishing that tonight could be the night. its like every night I have a died wish even though I have my kids because part of me think my kids would be better without me in their life, you have friends but it feel like you don't have anybody because no one is reaching out a hands. well my dreams is to have finish school and move to jersey even with that plan I don't even know how I could do it because I don't want to leave my kids behind and I don't even know how i'm going to do it because I don't have anybody to count or a car. well I would had a car by now but I listen to the snake that convinced me to put a down payment in a car that he said was going to be but then take over the car so now I don't really have a car, he decided when I get to used the car normally I used the white car but now the white car is mess up and I think he might di shit where I will not be able to make it to work sometime. I pray God a miracle or if anybody read this please pray for to get myself out of this situation.

Relationship

Sometime I'm wondering if this is the way my life suppose to be, some time I feel so lonely that I feel like going crazy . I'm 27 about to turn 28 next month with 2 kids I work and I go to school full time. I thing I carry myself pretty well but for some reason I feel like I'm  being punish for something. I want to have a relationship but because of my current situation there's no one that will give me a chance, my situation is that I really want to finish school so because of that I'm still living with my kids father even thought we are not together. for example a few weeks ago I met this guys we went out on date everything was good I explain to him about my situation and what my plans are we talk on Sunday and Monday but since then we never talk again when I call him he doesn't respond to text so now I decided to add him on my reject list because it hurt because I sit there and explain everything to you instead of him telling me you know I don't think I could do that but instead he act like he was all cool about everything. That hurt my feeling because I just want to find someone I could related or even a friend to talk to sometime. I not try to rush into any serious relationship with some one but I just wish I have choices if I would ever do.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a big thing in United State I grew in Haiti I didn't know anything about thanksgiving. Thanksgiving to used is around March that's when Jesus die and wake up we celebrated that by having salt fish and planting with rice and that whole weekend that's what we would do but by being  in united state we have learn different things, Even thought most of us doesn't make our turkey like American do but we still cook and do the family thing. Also by having kids and leaning about thanksgiving even if we didn't celebrated thanksgiving I would just do it because of my kids. One thing about thanksgiving I want to change is I want to be able to have my whole family and friends sitting down together and eat we don't usually have that because our table is not big enough for everybody to sit. This year our thanksgiving was better then most years before, for the first time I actually went to Black Friday shopping that was the best decision I made because I was able to get some Christmas for my kids and I was able to get my laptop back for a cheaper price. That was my time ever go black Friday shopping it was crazy especially at Wal-Mart I never saw people lining up outside Wal-Mart just to go inside. also that was the first time I didn't had to work on thanksgiving I had 4 days vacation it was amazing to just stay home and relax. well that's all for today.

defensive

when are you suppose to get defensive? why do we always have to get our point across. well I always get people telling me I'm very defensive even my coworker and my family said they will not approach me about a situation because every time they do I don't really hear them out because I always want to get my point across where I ignored what their telling me. I noticed that about me a few time if you approach me some time away  I will do the same to you, but that's not the way to go about things in life. Sometime even with my character people tell me you have a serious face where I was afraid to approach you, I just don't understand why do most people judge someone by character. I'm really trying to stop being so defensive and actually listen to someone before I jump to conclusion.

thank you guys

I wish me and mom could have a discuss like this and move on after that, OMG this video say it all I respect her mom allot for understand what her kids went through because of her selfishness but I have respect for her for  trying to fix. allot of mothers would not do what she's doing now  because they have to much pride for themselves or for their imagine. but one thing for sure without a mother love a child is basically lost, the emptiness I have inside of me encourage me to show my kids more love and encourage them. every day I tell my kids I love them because I don't ever want them to feel like their are not love. well I will leave this here I'm not going to deep with but I want to say thank you for the people that support me and that show me how to be a mother. Manmi mona is the best mom figure anybody could ask for without her I don't think I would ever being the mother I' am today. thank you so much for the smack on the head  and your honesty. Mimi and Yvena , Ednel, Mackenson, Grevener, Manmi, Jamesly, merline,  those are the people that was around when myika was born and those are the people I learn from everyday and those were the people that when I feel lost about something that I would call even thought at that time they didn't have any kids but  they make my  baby feel like she was part of them. Thank you very much guys. I hear this all the time blood is thicker then water but we me I think it's the opposite.

Sometime little thing you watch will bring your past back up

My God every time I watch this video it take me back when I was a child, sometime you think you over some stuff into you watch something like this because I went through almost the same thing. I'm 27 about to be 28 years old and still doesn't know who my father is and don't have any relationship with my mother. Sometime I wondering kind of thing can't you do to a parent to act like you are dead to them it's like you don't exist in her life, It's heart breaking that I have 2 kids and their don't even know who they grandmother is. my mother mind see picture of kids maybe from my brothers and sister Facebook but one thing I say for sure I will  never have that hatred toward my kids. I don't hate my mother no matter what happen but I just wish she would make more effort and try to establish a relationship with us. I love my mother event thought I feel like I question that she will never answer  too.

When do life Begin

Everyday in life there's a struggle and in a struggle there's a life lesson, sometime I be day dreaming wishing I could have what others have and even though behind there smile and those picture I know  there's a emptiness but for some reason I always think they have the perfect life.
on my eyes I just want to have what their have, the career, the Husband or Boyfriend, the joy But I'm trying to learn how to appreciated what I have because I know someone else have it worse then me. So everyday I just thank God for giving a chance to make it better for myself and my kids.

this was a little letter i wrote to my mom

Dear: Mom and Dad

Even using that word bring up images of pain, lonely nights and years questioning why I wasn’t enough for you. While I ‘am working to forgive you and my mother being human, the question remains. How on earth could you abandon me?

I needed you to help balance out my female-dominated life, be there to give me the talk about boys so that I wouldn’t have to suffer through my current state of bad relationships and empty voids. I taught myself how to ride my bike. You were supposed to be the first man/women to tell me that I’m beautiful and help me to know myself before anyone had the opportunity to label me. I was supposed to be your “little girls”.

I needed you and you didn’t care. How does one sleep at night not knowing if their own flesh and blood is breathing, eating, safe and secure?

I’m not sure if your lack of presence was a blessing or a curse. My pain runs deep just it does for my brothers and sister you’ve managed to abandon as well. You brought dysfunction into my life. My sibling are strangers. You were the first man/women to break my heart and I’m struggling to not hate you. a man/women that put himself or herself last does not abandon his family. What would you have lost by being in my life? I wasn’t a trouble child. I ate my veggies, I even finish high school. Your mineral contribution is an insult to who you could have been to me.

I’m sorry that you missed out on something and someone so great. But I guarantee that I won’t let your actions, break me. I pray that my children never have to go through that. My daughters know the comfort of their mother and father arm,their mother and father voice, mother and father loves, mother and father cares.
One day I’ll walk down the aisle without you again by my side. But then again I’m used to it. Thank you for the pain because without it I wouldn’t know healing, I wouldn’t know love, I wouldn’t know God.